Kristin’s Story

The year was 2009 and if you were my Facebook friend my life as you watched on..was perfect. I had a nice home, a good looking husband, three beautiful girls, a beach house we spent summers at, perfect clothes..and a fake smile masking my pain. I hid behind that smile even in front of my family. I was too embarrassed to admit I was drowning in a bad marriage, postpartum depression and anxiety that went all day and all night. I would tell myself I had no right feeling so low and try my hardest to fight those feelings away. After one final explosive argument with my then husband I slipped my ring off and told him no more. I had no idea the trials that would ensue from my decision. I was fighting people with a lot more then I had. But I had had enough. A week later I went to my X husband's home to get my girls..and they were not there. I yelled and begged for them to no avail. It became clear that my mental health was now being used against me and I was left helpless. Feeling I had nothing left and would never win I began making poor choices. I hung out with the wrong people and for that only saw my girls supervised. It was a nightmare I couldn't seem to shake. I saw doctors begging them to tell me what was wrong with me. They quickly diagnosed me bipolar, gave me a cocktail of drugs and sent me on my way. These drugs only made things worse and I slumped further and further down. I tried calling my girls..no answer. Seeing them became more impossible. I felt I had nothing to live for. And so one morning I wrote out a letter, sat on my bed surrounded by those pill bottles and began taking them as fast as I could. I had a friend downstairs who apparently heard me fall and called 911. I woke up in the hospital with black charcoal stains on my hospital gown and my Mom crying by my bedside. The doctors told me it was a close call. I was sent to Holly Hill. You're bipolar they said and once again threw medicine at me and sent me home a week later. But inside I was screaming.  I'm not bipolar! I've been hurt and I'm hurting! I want my children! Please someone help me! I was home a week and one morning woke up and said, God I need you're help, I cannot do this alone. I sobbed as I flushed every pill I had been given down the toliet. I saw a custody attorney with my Dad after promising him those negative people would never be in my life again. I got a job and an apartment for my girls and I. I got promoted at my job and then promoted to a bigger company. With an attorney I had my girls on a shared custody schedule. My newfound progress wasn't for everyone though and my X husband and his family fought me in court for over three years. They nailed my tires, watched me, ridiculed me, called emergency hearings trying to take my children. Sometimes I screamed at God, what more do you want from me!? What more can I do?! My song became Chris Tomlin's, Our God. I played it on the way to court hearings. I sang it. I sang it loud. I kept winning in court. I played it on the way to doctor appointments where I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and PTSD..not bipolar. I sang it on the way to church every Saturday night with my sweet girls smiling and singing it too. To this day when I hear that song I get chills and tears. God was using me big. He used me to show my girls how to be strong independent women.  He used me to show others it's okay to have mental health issues and it's okay to make mistakes. I sang it to my last court hearing where I won and my attorney hugged me and told me I was her favorite client of all time. And I still sometimes sing it as I'm cleaning my kitchen..and my girls will hear and hug me and tell me how much they admire me. I got messages on Facebook from friends saying how my struggles inspired them. And that inspires me. I have a life now I could have never imagined having.  But I don't forget where I came from. Sometimes all I have to do is Google my old last name and the bad memories are still there for all to see. Yes, my struggles made the news at one point. But I don't hide anymore.  God showed me its okay. It's okay to be where I was and I know without Him I would never be where I am today. I feel like God lifted me out of that mess and gently placed me in a life He felt I deserved.  It took awhile to believe I deserved all He has given me. But I do now. And if I ever need that reminder my sweet husband reminds me that God knows my heart. And my heart is forever in debt to a God who forgave my sins and used them for his glory.

 To not just help myself.  But others.